Kelly Chen

It is easy to be optimistic about someone else’s life. It is easy to give advice … It’s easy to help. It is easy to be nice … but it is easy to be a reflex too. Which puts you anywhere? Not necessarily …
You can change as much as you want on your own …
You can be beautiful, or a donkey …
You can be anything you want, but in May or May not help.
Some people are doomed to failure … determination to succeed.
Of course I can be a great friend. I am very positive and I’m still here to talk about anything, anytime … but this does not mean that I want or you’ll treat me different. I’m sick of being the god of shit crying on the shoulder. I’m sick of talking to brick walls and trying to give them advice. Want me to be nice? Then, most elegant of the mouth or get lost.
If you want someone you love and then enforce them, you first. It is difficult to meet a stupid person. And love is not in a week … or even a month. So can you stupid names MSN days after you something. I will not have much sympathy for either of you more, honestly.
I can understand in this way, although I think … some people just need.
Cause or rich, no matter how poor, how loved or hated the way, health or how sick … there will always be something in our lives for us. And there will always be something that we want we can not achieve.
There will always be a crutch. Something that will make us feel better when things suck … be it good or bad. Drugs, alcohol, god, love, affection, family, friends … who knows, we all need something right.
It is difficult today to stand on your two feet. Seriously … That thing in your skull is a brain. Use it.

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My back feels much better … I believe that, thanks in part to fewer "suckers" (seriously). OK, it is beyond cool - but the same principle. Small metal cup, the air is sucked out of it, sucking the blood on the surface of your back. Or whatever. After your return looks nice and bruised as:
bruises?
He warned that it might be more difficult for a day or two, but it has not, within 24 hours and I’m starting to feel much better. I think the night was the last night, I need the Vicodin to help me sleep. Yay!
Z continues to be a little brat. He really growling over and over things, even when he knows the words, and he works on his mad skilz anger.
Baby # 2 is almost here! Less than 2 months! I think we are all covered / prepared, but you never know * indices Jaws music *.
Hopefully at least the new baby will bring many visitors!
We drove to Olympia (Washington, capital of bitches!) Yesterday kicked. Okay, apparently it was so I could get an idea of the region since May I include in the book on which I work … but we really need to get out of the house. Fortunately for us, it rained almost the entire house! And he is black to 5pm! Yay! It seems a very decent city - even if I do find strange that all the hamburger joints (which can be found) were "shacks". Literally. Most of them did not even have seats. We stopped at a highest bidder won burger somesuch in the state competition and hamburgers were good, but not worth $ 10. I do not think that a hamburger (with fries) is a value of ten dollars (perhaps with fries and a drink!) Anyway, we were very hungry and had wanted a hamburger.
And tonight, I started (we hope - I mean by that, I hope that initiated a process that continues) back online. This is crazy .. it is probably around 2 years since I last raced, and I went over a mile and a half without stopping. Yeah yeah, I know it’s nothing. Either way, gonna make bum - it’s a lot to me! :). I think I was just running (I note that my use of "running" is probably closer to what would be a second appeal "jogging") within a mile I stopped before the last time - and it is semi normal after several tracks for months.

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… Is spiral down, I get depressed every day. Or. I feel that my friends are not really my friends more. I feel like im distance away from people. This could be just the way I am, or I could simply unbelievable. Luckly I still have music and games. It always motivates me. I am ashamed of my life. I do not know why.
I’m working on a game, and a Visual Basic.
It goes very well. I taste it. I will not go into details on the project. But I will talk about the game.
This game is made in RPG Maker VX, the bottom because I do not have a motor. I’m learning the code in Ruby, so I can make my own scripts. But its not going well.
I will soon release a WIP. It will be hosted on my server. I’ll do another post later. I just do not feel at this time.

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I feel kind of votes tonight. I mean, I work all day … slower than I wanted, because there is much work to do. I’ll have to book over the next two days.
Anyway, wish me luck on this subject.
In the meantime, I did a lot of reflection and today … on my life. I’m always thinking about my life, trying to pull me out of the mud that is my past more or less. It is incredible to see how the past is not physical, but how it is because the actual shape who we are. The memories are real, the feelings are real, and panic is real. It is just incredibly nuts.
I try not to let me do that I can not do anything about this, but the issues involved. It is quite surprising to see things coming because of the past. We think about how we have been injured, how bad is bad, and we wonder what we have done wrong to deserve that. Most of the time we have done nothing to bring it to ourselves. It was a terrible labor force against us because we were good. Bad wants to enjoy the good, and that is what it is.
But, I thought about it. I think of my friends, the family that claims me, and everything I have in my life and I am grateful.
Anyhoo …
I really all that is not without a voice. Neato!
Until next time …

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Well … things are crazy here and I am not being facetious. I had trouble to write a legitimate entry to do everything because I fear that this May be a little walk there?
December 26th, we moved to the apartment and in my little Bitty fathers. We promised to our security control on the 29th, but when I went to look at my landlord gave me a sob story of "all tenants to check the drafting of a rebound" - yeah right lady. She were told to return to the 2nd to look for. ON the 1st she said she had this weekend, call me - it did not. The 5 I stopped by and she protested, then finally recognized me and take control on the 6th. I regained control - it took sovereign to collect and there is no money. I called it complaining I let down. My father got wind of it and was surprised, and now … I thought it was I. I called back and I had threatened my tenant laws and the state that it was in violation because it did not put money in a separate account and that I was now entitled to three times the interests of safety and suddenly, she had money. I tried to cash the check and it is again allowed. As far as I know … at least I had the money right now.
During this time of life with my father is unstable. Go to fullsize image My father is in a bad mood and confrontation - very difficult to live. I love her to death, but he asked one thing and then when you do this, he wondered why the rest did not happen. (while the rest was never asked) This is the way it is with my father - you need to go above and beyond to stay clear as it should not have to ask if you ask him. Makes life a little difficult, but the price you pay to beg for help. (This image - for me - is a look of love and disapproval of the father bear) My father gave me a loan for 5% interest to save me 25% credit companies are robbing me — makes the exercise much, but I’m on the implications and side effects to borrow money while living with him. I do not need more control or questions about my finances - I just want to make the payments and stay there, but I know this is no small matter in my pop. Love to death again - I do not want the other decisions just borrow money. This explosive situation was very uncomfortable … Tristan.
Tristan & I are rather stuck, or we want to be here, but it oscillates between reality and let me stay here. Sometimes it is the night at a friends, out of sheer embarrassment of my fathers house and escape. I feel alone, but to understand what he should do. Whenever I am afraid it does not come back, but for some reason, he always does.
I made my first appointment of counsel. Ever. I never tried, but I am a therapy to lose my mind and break the whole place. I think it is time. I’m afraid, but I am optimistic. I’m really starting to think that my infinite will and refuses to renounce a character flaw. We’ll see what the doctor orders.
I have a list a mile long of things I want to do but I never seem to make them.
I was promoted! Not to my previous position as an assistant, but I’m not one less away. The next step is a wizard … actually, I’m in a shop assistant who can not afford a bottom. Which means I am in a small store on 18th and this kind of sucks because they can not guarantee more than 30 hours. Looks like I’ll be begging for hours in other stores or seeking a waitress concert. We shall see! I am also moved to Orleans little lady not to drive an hour and a half to work every day twice a day … until I move anyway, Eastham. I think I would be happier if it was the fear of not having hours and try to get away.
Other than … the same piece of shit. Being in Eastham is fun … it’s almost therapy in a way. I never realized this was such a big part of my nature, but to be here, I feel something different. Something that stirs in me and says hey - Where were you? (Sorry this is not that poetic, as I’d hoped.)
I fell on my brother in CVS today in anticipation of an order of Tristan. I was surprised because it is supposed to live in New Hampshire. Apparently he was Welfleet for at least a week and has not called to tell anybody, but my mother who does not share this info with me. I feel sad for him because he fired, was deported, then broke with his little girl … which is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I do not see great things ahead for him, but I hope it will start to see the future, he took for himself soon.
I’m reading "The Outermost House" which is apparently a classic that I’ve never heard of. It is more than 75 years and was written by an author famous here on the dunes of Eastham. How did I not know about this? I love nature and I completely missed this writing "classic" written here under my feet! My favorite line so far from the top 22 where the author writes: "The ocean rumbles, WISPs pale winter wind and shreds of clouds sailing over the dunes, and sandpipers stand on one leg and the dream, tousled head deep into their feathers. "It Eastham itself - I am so grateful to have found the treasure, and to have found someone who can bear eloquent musings on the Cape - and more specifically the land that I grew up on. My ‘Eastham Beach (now known as the Coast Guard - which I happen to live in the street)
I also found a photo of my late grandfather in a history book on clip_image001 "The Forgotten Cape" In my grandfather, he asked a dance in 1951 at the Eastham windmill. It’s really cool to see - especially since my grandmother has not yet met. I miss you Grampa Jay. I miss you and I love you.
That’s all she wrote for now … I will try to compose a more logical thought tomorrow to share with you all. Always thank you for tuning in - although it was quite depressing. (Which reminds me, I opened this page and the title of this post intended to write about my depression that I am struggling to concentrate and loss of control and ended up on other things such babbling . In case you’re wondering, I’m definitely depressed and feeling alone, and sometimes quite. But hey, I’m going … through this right?)

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So I spoke, I again for a few hours on Saturday evening. It was a good conversation and it was pleasant. There are aspects of his personality that are so boring, it can be too negative, it is very high strung and wound tight, and we’ve always been kind of jabbing at each other. In fact, I hated that, now that I think even if I was just as guilty of it. I think our overall dynamic was competitive, rather than love. It turned into a strange atmosphere of friendship and love of factors has declined to the point where I was completely insensitive to the situation as a whole. The question is now one year removed, we thought about both what happened and I think I have changed, or perhaps revert to an old car, the same thing would happen if we were to back together? Is the dynamic between two people set in stone?

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Life … itself is a Mystras. And here I am trying to find the answer, we all do. In one way or another we may all fall on these questions (and answers) …. Its amazing to see how life turns on the whole as we expect something we dreamed custody of.And yet we never pause for a moment, ever. . And wonder why the guards went things the way they are supposed be.I am always in a great spirit to try n find the reason. Yet, I am unable to understand the lives of most of the questions asked .. … Why me? .. The interesting part is that we never ask this question to ourselves when we’re getting what we wanted or expected.
The other part of life, I just never understand why we feel so strong a desire to receive our bday anniversary.What or makes us happy ….?
Happiness … Where is exactly? In our own heart! …. Or

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I think I’ve reached a new low point in the endless stream of crap that is my life.
Why this child will not be taking a good nap ????? And what the EFF is with interrupted sleep ?????
Last night: bed at 7.30. Bottle 10:00 (not slept for about 30 minutes). Back to bed. Fussing at 2:12 in the effing morning. And again at 3:08. And 4:14. And 5:31. And 6:04. For the love of chocolate, kid. Just close your eyes, stop this incessant whining, GO TO SLEEP AND !!!!!!!!!!
At 7:00 am for a bottle. Nap from 9:00 until 9:20. Banana & bottle 11:00. Very, very, very, very, very crabby before noon. Laid him for another nap at 12h50. Awoke at 1:10, shouting his head, but refuses to return to sleep. So I closed the door, turned on the washing machine, organized a series of dryer, closed the door of my room, turned on the television, and took a nap. I’m sure he was crying all the time, but I did my best to ignore. Hey, the dog was in the crib with him, so I knew he was fine. Got it at 3:00 for more banana and a bottle. He nodded off for about 2 minutes, I landed in the cradle. Big mistake. Suddenly woke up and started screaming and crying, refusing to stop for more than 3.2 seconds. I tried to walk, rocking him, singing for him, swinging him, was in his crib, talking to him and, finally, all the screaming expletive that I knew him. He still has not, then I started sobbing, making cry even harder.
I turned off the light and left him in his crib while I folded and socks and underwear. When I returned to him, he was crying so hard that he stopped breathing. Several times more. Scream, keep breathing, the passage of 3 or 4 seconds. I chose him and held him for a few minutes to calm him down, and he gave me a big gummy smile when I changed his diaper. Like, "ha ha ha, I win again."
And I did not mention the Jags crying after he eats. I have to fix it with the head elevated and try to stop wiggling around him after finishing the bottle, or fall into place. Who sends in a rage, because he wants to sit. So do I ask and listen to scream it gulps a lot of air, which gives him a huge belly and made him run? Where do I go to him as he wants, which puts too much pressure on her belly, and to vomit everything back up?
I am ready to drive to Walmart, a label back on his forehead, and leave it on the treadmill at the checkout. Perhaps that you allow me to trade for an iPod.
But I am satisfied with a 6-pack of Coke.

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Its all in the title. I found my way into a wonderful group of girls through my colleague deliciously crazy Tobyn and I think we may have started in the fall and winter tradition of knitting on sofa by the fire on Sunday at Alex.
I went to the goose, on Friday evening for more madness and Karaoke May May or not (but probably in May) have poured a large drink in my lap as my pants soaked zip to the ankles. Finished the night with Alex, with lots of laughs, footwear compliments (among men!) And a mortal blow to stick around.
I finally went to Emigrant Lake via Tristan and it was a good race. It was right in the lake itself and splashed stupid! I can not wait to take him during the summer and see what it does.
Spent Sunday morning talking with a couple of great girls. I did not realize how much I was missing a big girl talk.
Carl and I had our first lesson in swing jump tonight and it was everything we were looking for lessons in swing. Watch out world, we are all flying feet and elbows!
There will be pictures later, I’m too tired tonight.
The moral of this story is that I’m having fun here. Real fun. And I am relaxed. Almost, maybe even a little in the settlement. Finally.

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